Thursday, November 19, 2009

Can #6 Because Ray Halliday Has More Stuff to Say

Can #6: VAL2E 1ZSWG 09:49 best buy AUG 20 2009

This goes out, at first, to the great Dave Kress, who long ago taught me that horse radish was the fun way to spice up your tuna sandwich. This goes out to people all over the world who have taught me all kinds of things...Mary P. Groman, who taught me how to brush my teeth. Chris Turano, who taught me how to wash my eyeglasses. My mom, who, among other things, taught me to zip up my jeans and pull the pockets out before putting them in the dryer. Marie Kane-Seitz, who taught me how to dance, all side-to-side. And Trace, who taught me the Yucky Gum Song.

This was a tuna sandwich with horseradish and some sweet banana peppers. It also had a little salt and pepper, some bread and some lettuce. I used to be a defender of iceberg lettuce, then someone sat me down and told me the benefits of romaine, and now that's where you can find me, on Romaine Street.

Let's get to the books, because that's what prompted this entry anyway. Last night, several nights ago (time gets bent in a blog) the book lady and I were going through her books. We were looking at them, and thank goodness she was here, because I will tell you, and please don't tell her, that I was, at that point, going through a slight bout of disappointment. After the Brautigan was uncovered and filled my house with refreshing pancake smellin' breezes, I started to anticipate great things...a vein of Vonnegut, a block of Bukowski, a gaggle of Garcia-Marquez, a cache of Carver (pushing it?), a rain of Richard Ford! (I'm done).

But there weren't none. Although, I remember them clearly.
I've seen her shelves, throughout a big chunk of my life. I know the binder-colors and patterns by heart. I've envied them, mostly because she just used to always get great, great gifts from all sorts of people, until the whole chicken-thing happened to her.

And I was thinking. Hmm. Maybe she's lost stuff in some metaphorical fires as well. Maybe it's not just me. And then, I remembered some of her fires, and where those books went, including an oft debated volume of Rilke.

But here's the difference between me and her. She moves on. Those that might know, may agree that she is the most moving-onest person there ever was. Her past, literally, does not exist. While I have been sitting up in a teeny apartment trying to find a way back to my past so I could hang on to something, she has been having new experience after new experience after new experience. New, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new. While I just keep getting older and older. I haven't had an experience in ten or twenty years. Not one.

Anyway, the sandwich. It was kind of dry. I do not eat mayonnaise and most of you know the reason. It is a tribute.

She is out there, ridding herself of the baggage...the baggage, dear readers.

While I am up here, alone, massaging my own butt.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

The Actual Can #5

VAL2E 1ZSWG 09:47 best by AUG 20 2009

People all over the world want to know!


And he answers: It was good.

Things Turn Around Fairly Quickly: Almost Can #5

Last week I was a water skier, trying to catch up to the boat. And that's hard!

This week so far, it seems I might be riding on the boat again. Oh, Dear Readers, the BOAT!

Let's review, last week, mostly, I was missing deadlines at my new job. My internet connection broke (I work online), my bike chain broke, and one of my classes for next semester got canceled. Oh, and let's not forget the earbuds!

This weekend, the biggest thing in ten years or so happened to me. I acquired a whole 'nother human being's book collection. A good one. A goldmine of books.

See, many years ago, I lost all of my books and my records and cds in a metaphorical fire. And nothing in my life has made me sadder. The metaphorical fire: no biggie. But the books and the records, they were part of who I am. (Like that's so great). If you came into my apartment, you would get to know me pretty well, by looking at my book and record (and cd) shelves. But for the last ten years, people who have come into my apartment go: "Wow, you have a lot of books."

And I have to go, "No, no, no, those are only the books I wasn't able to sell. I have not, in general, read them, and they are not representative of me."

It's a weird way to start an evening.

Anyway, I'm taking my leftover books out of my shelves, and I'm putting these other books into them. You can see the shelf up above, with the first batch of the new books in, on the top shelf. And slowly, I am feeling more and more like myself.

The earbud thing went away as quickly as it came. The Walgreen's took back the weirdo earbuds without any question whatsoever. I even begged them to look. "Please, look at the weirdness," I begged, but to no avail. I bought two of the old kind of earbuds I used to have. Two sets of earbuds: ten bucks.

Bikechain still remains unfixed. But Lee Chae tells me that even a whole new chain is not very much money. That is good news to the ears.

Today, they replaced that class I lost.

In a little while, I am going to eat can #5. I am going to make a batch of greens, and then I am going to dump can #5 on top of it, mixed with some salt, peppers, and jalapenos. Obviously, I will let you know how things turn out.

Oh, if it helps, today I went running for the first time in, like, a week, and I think I pulled my heiny.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Tuna Noodle Casserole, In Which I Eat It: Can #4

Can #4VAL2F 1ZSNG 09:59 (might be 1ZSWG, it is hard to say, there is blurring).
best by Aug 20 2009 Also dented, somewhat crumpled even, at the bottom.

I live like the Boy in the Bubble. This building, and the people in it, keep me safe, do stuff for me, save my life day after day.

Lee and the Lady Chae, they give me a recipe for tuna casserole that has cheese in it. Beautiful readers, did your tuna casserole have cheese in it? Mine did not. It did have peas, which I did not like. Neither, back then, did I like tuna casserole. Team Chae's recipe gives you a choice, one cup of grated cheddar cheese or two cups of grated cheddar cheese. Which would you, dear readers, choose? They also give me a chain tool to fix my broken bike. So far I have not been able to fix the bike, or return the chain tool. They don't ask, when will you return it? They ask if everything's okay.

Last night my life was spiraling down, and out of control, readers. And then I thought I'd better take a break with tuna casserole, think about my mom for awhile. But I had no, what do you call it, glass square dish that goes in the oven? Well, my neighbors Chris and Q (not from Star Trek) and Jonathan Archer (not from Star Trek either) and his Significant Other, well, they both got kids, and they put them to bed around, I don't know, 7 or 8? Whenever I need something from them. And I get afraid to knock on their doors 'round about that time. But, man, I need that thing, whatever it's to get my life back together, eat tuna casserole, think about my mom: Mom the Great.

So I text them, and I email them, which I can only do, on both counts, because of them. That's right, both my phone and my internet connection are testaments to their never-ending generosity. Next thing I know: I hear pots and pans a-rattlin' across the hall. When I got over there, there was Lady Chris all over the floor, glass whatever they're called, all over the place...

"I hope this is good enough," she says.
"Is it big enough?" she says.
"Is it glassy enough?" she says.
"I know we have a glassier one somewhere," she says. "Please, give me just another moment, and I'll find it."

"No, no," I say, a tear in my eye, "this one is just the right amount of glassy, and it's size cannot be bettered."

And that, dearest readers, is how I come to eat the tuna casserole, which I pulled out of the oven with the brand new oven mit you can see obscuring my face above (a gift, I might add, from those same neighbors). A tuna noodle casserole made, yes, from some questionable tuna, but whose cheese could not have been tastier, and whose size could not be bettered.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Ray Halliday Poses With Symmetrical Head!

Coming home from the Little Dragon show, right when he was thinking: boy, I sure am good at riding this bike. In fact, I'm ripping up the road! his bike chain got jammed between the littlest sprocket and the frame. He will admit, now, that he was not so good to the bike that night. In fact, he will admit, he was kind of mean to it.

The bike acquiesced to his meanness, and the chain, somehow, hopped back on, and he was able to ride home, although he could no longer tear up the road.

The next day, on his way to the library and the bank, his bike chain was a skip-and-slip-fest, until finally, just before the bank, it broke and fell off.

Later, his earbuds broke.

He works online, you know. He has a new job, all online. He had his first deadline Sunday, and wouldn't you know it, the free internet connection he's been using for four years (at least! he and Joel figured it out) it locked up. The two specific places, both of them lock up, on the same day, on the day of the deadlines. It would be funnier if it just happened to be, as well, November 2nd. But you know I cannot lie to you.

He bought some new earbuds, but it is difficult to describe the weird and terrible thing they have, where the length of the wire to the one ear, is five or six inches longer than the wire to the other ear. It is crazy: my head is symmetrical.

His class for next semester was canceled.

Coming back from the grocery store, his bag broke. He was going to blow off some steam after his angry, angry day. He was coming home with egg noodles to make Lois's famous tuna noodle casserole.

Then he remembered, he needed the internet to get to the recipe.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

And For My Next Trick!

One Broken Man, Twelve Cans of Fancy Feast!

Friday, November 6, 2009

He Told You He'd Be Back!

My goodness, this blog about tuna sure has far-reaching effects. Thank you for all the cards, letters and money. Especially all you kids from the public schools!


He's got his ways of getting things done.

And, he just got paid!

Please strap yourselves in for an ALL-TUNA WEEKEND!

Thursday, November 5, 2009

He Can't Have No Tuna Today

He is broke and has seventy students. That's seventy papers to grade. Actually, they don't all hand them in.

But he's okay, folks. He's feeling okay. He had some soup. But he can't buy no bread, and he can't buy no lettuce or noodles or whatnot...

But he'll be back, you'll see...

...back on top...