The Smell of Ray Halliday

Dear Tom’s of Maine,

I am a forty-six year old male. I am a schoolteacher, and when I was out of work for awhile, my father called me personable, and said I should be able to get back to work soon, and I did.

So you might figure there is no reason for me to be alone and living a bachelor’s existence with a cat.

Tom’s of Maine, I am doing what I can. I recently started eating radically right and exercising. I quit drinking and I am trying to keep a positive attitude. I am getting more work done and I am budgeting my time wisely, more wisely than I ever have. I keep my apartment nice, and, in general, my sink clear of dirty dishes.

In this spirit, I turned to you, Tom’s of Maine, for my toothpaste and deodorant needs. I want to be more “natural” and your products say that right on the cover. Plus your deodorant is aluminum free, and who wouldn’t want that? I bought a stick of your unscented Natural Original Care Aluminum-Free Deodorant Stick, and couldn’t hardly wait to get home and rub it on. I also bought your Natural Whole Care Anticavity & Tartar Control Plus Whitening Fluoride Toothpaste.
I brushed my teeth, rubbed my armpits and waited for my new, natural life to begin. I sat at the kitchen table and read my deodorant label. I noticed you use hops extract to inhibit the growth of odor-causing bacteria. I looked forward to my hop-killing-bacteria life.

Now, weeks later, my teeth couldn’t be happier. But, Tom’s of Maine, I believe we have reached a chemical impasse here, because I’m pretty sure that your hops formula is growing bacteria on me, maybe at a rate as fast as bacteria has ever grown.

Anyway, Tom’s of Maine, I am trying to change my life for the better. And while, in general, I do not mind smelling bad, there are certain obligations I have where I should, out of respect for other people, smell, at least neutral. This has not been the case.

Please accept the return of one unscented Natural Original Care Aluminum-Free Deodorant Stick. If you have any secret formulas that use something else to inhibit the growth of odor-causing bacteria, I would be happy to try it. I trust you Tom’s of Maine, things just didn’t work out this time.

Sincerely,

Ray Halliday